stephanie

things to remember.

2006-04-03T05:33:21Z

#. weezer on volume 40. thinking it was loud.

#. sitting in kevin's apartment, alone, with nothing to do but smoke a whole joint to myself, watch music-on-demand, and wait for him to come home.

#. heading from denny's to cassadaga, ICP blaring.

#. the 3 days i don't remember.

#. holding hands on the train tracks. kissing while the train ran by.

#. the transition between OCB to stingray's.

#. downtown steve's. walking to john's. walking back barefoot. the shoes are still in a knot, a year later.

#. in the dark room, best bass you ever heard, blacklights, prodigy, extacy. minus robert.

#. the bass in the 4-night-stand's truck.

#. the beach with kevin. before he went insane.

#. the movies with spikey haired mike. feeling pretty.

#. riding in the backseat with fluffy mike. just keep driving. getting high in the woods.

#. the beach with publix kids. worst sunburn of my life, which remains on my skin almost 2 years later.

#. high school. stranger danger. bondage pants. girl on girl action. zebra cakes. skipping to burger king. cappicinos.

#. highlighted hairspray-drenched hair.

#. bagging groceries.. on drugs.

#. carelessness.

comeund0ne @ 2006-02-10T20:48:00

2006-02-11T02:07:14Z

You know what's horrible?

I mean REALLY, incredibly, unimaginably awful?

I still think about my ex sometimes.

There, I said it.

I feel SO bad about it. I'll still look at old pictures once in a while and miss him. He wasn't the most attractive creature in the world. He wasn't packing if you know what I mean. He treated me like a stupid little kid all the time. And he was a complete dick to me right before we broke up. So I don't know what it is. \

It might be the fact I still feel like the whole relationship feels unresolved, because we kept breaking up and going back out, and when we broke up the last time I half expected us to go back out again. I obviously shouldn't have been stupid enough to take him back as many times as I did. And it was a spoken fact I liked him way more than he liked me. (I'd say I love you, he'd say "I like you a lot.")

I just don't know. What I have now is so much more real, so much more secure. But I question it sometimes. Because I REALLY did love my ex, almost in an obsessive way. Think about him when you first wake up, count the minutes down before you see him again, make him wait till you fall asleep before he leaves so you don't have to watch him go.. that kind of obsessive. It was pretty pathetic. But I feel horrible that I'm not that obsessive over Liam. When I get dressed in the morning, I don't go "I wonder what Liam would like me to wear." I don't talk about him to my friends like he's God's gift. I never look at him in awe because I think he's just the neatest thing from his taste in music to his choice of words.

Sometimes I'll be talking about him to my mom and call him by my ex's name.

Sometimes I'll confuse whether I watched a certain movie with him or with my ex.

This would all be well and fine if we had just broken up, but I feel like I'm still partially on the rebounds after 8 months. It's not normal. It's unfair to Liam. I LOVE Liam, with all my heart and soul.

But you shouldn't still wonder, all this time later, will I ever see him again? Will I ever divorce Liam then meet him coinidentally at a concert one day? Does he ever think of me and if he does what does he think? Who's he dating now?

You shouldn't be afraid to look at old pictures of your ex because part of you wants those moments to still be here. You shouldn't finally give up and look at them and go, I miss that day. I was so lucky.

WRONG.

It's a phsycological thing, I know it. No one in their right minds would want someone who treated them like that back. I just think I connect him to my life before I got pregnant and had to grow up. He was part of my last weeks as a teenager, a kid. He was the last care-free relationship I'll ever have. I didn't have a chance to bury that, and us, before the baby happened. I don't miss HIM. I miss my life when I was WITH him.

And I really need to work on putting all that away and moving on, but I don't know how.

comeund0ne @ 2006-02-06T00:36:00

2006-02-06T06:16:45Z

I went over to the in-laws for a bbq tonight since his family's over from England and all. It was REALLY nice. I actually had a good time. His family (his REAL family) is so awesome. I love them. The past few days I've realized the only reason I hate going over there is cuz of his douchebag stepmom.

While we were there though he had the laptop out and he WENT TO MY SITE (with everyone gathered around looking) and showed them it. And told them the url so they can just go back whenever they want. I was like WHAT ARE YOU DOING, but I didn't say anything. So great. Now I can't blog there anymore. I just have to make silly little blog updates like

I woke up today. Ate some toast. It was good. Baby's kicking. Well that's all.

And with my next layout, I have to redo EVERYTHING in my personal section and exclude things like, excessive cursing, my weed smoking history, the fact that I'm bi, and basically anything offensive at all.

Oh well.

Liam and I also got into a huge fight today. Part of it was me being emotional and needy, part of it was the fact that he treats me like an unimportant dustbunny sometimes. It started with him canceling our plans for tonight so he could stay and get drunk at his parents house. Then he kept making it worse, like, we didn't have real plans anyways. Well everyone's stopped drinking now anyways since you've kept me on the phone ruining my night. I think I'll just go home and go to sleep. WAHTTTT.?@! I understand he doesn't see his family a lot, but he's spent most of the day the past 3 days there, we already made plans, I NEEDED him to take me b/c it's my moms bday tomorrow and I have no other way to buy her present, plus he's done this countless times before. I'm coming to see you *2 hours before he's supposed to be there* I'm gonna stay home I'm tired. On our 6 month anniversary I had hinted ALL DAY he should come see me after he got off work but I didn't expect him too because he got off at 1am and he'd be tired. Then he calls me up, I say I'm staying the night at my moms unless he wants to come get me, he goes "well that's ok, i was gonna go out to eat with [insert girl name here]" (you know, my really got ex girlfriend who i work with?) i'm like, YOU'RE DOING WHAT? WITH WHO? ON OUR ANNIVERSARY?

So anyways. Back to the fight tonight. I just kept going on about how I'm not respected or treated important, which is the only reason we ever have big fights. He always makes plans without me, or clues me into them at the last minute, even if I'm involved. He'll break OUR plans for other people, but never break something else for me. Blah blah.

I must have hung up and called him back five times. I was SO pissed I was shaking. I wouldn't have been mad at all if he'd told me while I was there that he was gonna stay the night to drink. But to call me up 30 minutes before picking me up and say 'I've made other plans?' And then defend himself, without an apology? And make me out to be like some accusing irrational bitch? No.

I told him after 30 minutes of fighting about everything we'ver ever fought about I say I wanna break up, because this crap happens twice a month, at least, and I'm sick of it.

He goes "I think you're making a big mistake. You're making me out to be the bad guy all the time." and

"fine. you're right, I'm a horrible guy, I'm wrong. There, is that what you want to hear?" WRONG. YOU NEVER SAY THAT TO A WOMAN, EVER.

So I hung up, and called him back the last time to tell him what stuff I need from the apartment. At this point I'm done with him. I love him but I'm done with his shit.

Then we get into a huge talk about how he's having money problems, he doesn't feel appreciated, he starts crying, basically makes himself look like a little wounded puppy that doesn't know any better. All for the better though, because we talked about him moving in here with my mom and me until he can save for a nice place (which I've been trying to get him to do for months). I'm calm and rational and say "I know you're trying, I DO appreciate you, but when you're 18 making $7/hr, you've got a baby on the way, and you live in applewood, you don't refuse help when someone offers. You thank them graciously and accept it, for your child's sake.

He says if he moves back in here he could even afford a nice place BEFORE the baby's born. Which pisses me off, because if we'd done this in the first place we could already BE in a nice place. But I keep my mouth shut and talk to him in an understanding way, I tell him I'm not rejecting HIS family, I love all of them (accept his stepmom) and want them to be a big part of the baby's life. But for NOW, this is what's best for all of us.

The only thing is, my mom only hinted about him moving in once a few months ago. I have to talk to her first to see if the offer still stands (Liam doesn't know this) if he pays $50 a week for electric and stuff, and if I buy groceries (this boy can EAT. and he's not even preg). He won't even be here most of the time because he works 60 hrs a week. And when he IS here he'll be quietly watching tv or on the internet.

The only thing is, we'd have 2 of everything, all to either fit in one garage sized room, store, or get rid of somehow. a computer. a desk. queen size bed. couch. drawers, tables, dressers, storage cabinets and a tv stand. we'd need a place to put it all until we'd move out 5 months from now.

so maybe he could just keep living in the apartments until the due date gets closer.

but being apart is destroying us. we never see each other. i get suspicious. he's scraping his last dime to pay rent every month. he's exhausted. i'm bored. i hate the phone and he's always playing warcraft, so we don't talk. when we do make plans to see each other, either he breaks them for something else or they get cut short because one of us has to wake up early the next day. i'm upset he's missing his baby being cooked lol.

IIIDk.

comeund0ne @ 2006-01-31T18:51:00

2006-02-01T01:08:34Z

Oh jesus I can't believe this thing still exists.
I would have imagined that the gods of maturity would have zapped it out of existence by now.
Oh well, I guess everyone goes through that 16-year-old, my life is crap, I hate my mother, stage.
It's incredible at what was important then and what's important now. What qualifies as a "big deal." Like in high school, your mom prevents you from staying out till 2am on New Years Eve, and you throw a fit. WTF MOTHER, it is NEW YEARS EVE, *everyone* is staying out WAY later than that. You think I don't know how to control my life.

Fuck work! I'm 16, I don't need work!!
Fuck school! I'll worry about a diploma later!!
Fuck birth control! I know when I ovulate!!
Fuck straight-edge! Weed never hurt nobody!!

And everyone tells you growing up; listen to your mother, she knows more than you think. "You'll look back one day and realize how right she was about everything." And you think, yeah. One day. But who cares about "one day," what's important NOW is how unfair my life is!!

And then it really happens. You wake up one day and you think back to those couple years where mom was an ignorant overprotective fool. When life was SO hard. When it didn't matter how well you did in school or how bad your friends were. Then you look at where you are now, and ask the question everyone asks themselves at one point, no matter who they are.

"Why the HELL didn't I listen to my mother?"

You look around at those stuck-up goody goody kids. The ones who listened once in a while and knew they weren't always right. They're in college, they've got good jobs, they're in healthy relationships. They're gonna BE somebody.

And here I am.

Pregnant, due in only three months. Having a baby with a boy who's got no idea what he's in for, doesn't appreciate anything except himself. Sitting in a go-nowhere job I absolutely HATE because I only have a GED, and I have no money for college because scolarships aren't handed to drop-outs. Living in my mom's garage because the only other alternative is a run-down druggie neighborhood I once would have loved, but now realize is no place for a baby. Fighting with my child's father every day over money, work, his lack of respect, even what to name the kid.

She warned me. What did I tell her? 2 entries ago I told her "THANKS. GOT IT COVERED." Did I, now?

http://comeund0ne.livejournal.com/25621.html
^ It's like I didn't even COMPREHEND how stupid the shit I was doing was. But hey, I got my baby boy. *eye roll*

http://comeund0ne.livejournal.com/22956.html
^ I hate how I just threw away guys like this, and ended up trying so hard to keep one that most of the time seems to fall short.

http://comeund0ne.livejournal.com/16915.html
^ IDK if that's a good example of why marijuana needs to be legalized, or why I'm such a fucking dumbass. Prolly a little bit of both.

http://comeund0ne.livejournal.com/14799.html
^ One thing I was right about. This kid was as bad off as I was. His girlfriend's pregnant too. Only they both live with his poor grandma, who had to come out of retirement to support them AND their baby.

http://comeund0ne.livejournal.com/12906.html
This is one of the reasons I'm where I'm at today. One decision can effect you for the rest of your life.

I'm not gonna bother going through every entry, though there's some wisdom I could add to every single one of them. Why bother.

Sometimes (well, MANY times) I wish I could go back to that one New Year's Eve. And just come home when my mom told me to. Then live from then on knowing what I know now. Go to school and graduate like everyone else. Save the weed for the weekends. Go back on the pill.

Everyone says "if I only knew then what I know now..." But the people that say it are always 30 or 40 something. What about the 18-year old who only missed her chance by a year? I'm not asking for 20 years. I just want this past year back. But I'm stuck with what I have. I know I'll love my son more than life itself and not want to trade him for anything. But I'm just having a wistful, nostalgic day today.

One thing though..
I'm gonna BE somebody. I'm gonna be a mother.

comeund0ne @ 2005-01-10T21:02:00

2005-01-11T02:09:06Z

Every one has a point in their life that unlike all other depressions feels like the one that's finally gonna bring you down. And you honestly believe that there is nothing on the other side of your life. Well I think I've reached that point.
I don't feel like doing anything. I can't stay interested in the things I used to love. I can't watch Spongebob or listen to music or graphic design or write. I'm constantly on the verge of tears but I can't cry. Trivial things, granted, but it feels shitty when you can't find happiness in anything anymore. Even MJ can't help. I'm tired of bitching but honestly I can't give a shit anymore. About anything. It's at the point where I don't CARE about ANYONE or anything.
I can feel that something drastic is about to happen. Something in my life is gonna change and completely turn everything around. For better or worse I don't know.

comeund0ne @ 2005-01-09T19:27:00

2005-01-10T00:33:57Z

DEAR "MOTHER,"

Don't think I won't do whatever it takes. You're not the only one who can threaten people. Keep your fucking opinions to yourself. And when you start talking shit about my friends, don't be surprised when I pick them over you. What you do now affects the decision I'll be making later about whether I should ever talk to you again. Let you see your grandchildren. Remember you. Newsflash, your little baby is growing up. Diapers are so 15 years ago. Sucks for you her mind isn't jello anymore. You can't tell her what's right and wrong anymore. You can't make her do shit.
Tonight you'll walk into her empty room. Immediatley a flush of anger, and you of think how "stupid and irresponsible" she's being. and then you call her cellphone. If she answers at all, she'll tell you everything in complete honesty. Fuck you. No matter what's going through your little tyrannical brain right now, be aware I have my own. No, I'm not ready to be picked up yet. No, I'm not getting high right now, although, thanks for reminding me. Maybe if you'd have thought of this sooner.. maybe I'd be at home right now listening to your every little nonsensical demand. We were having this exact conversation a year ago. And the year before that, in fact. So obviously, things aren't changing. Whatever you're trying to do isn't working. Sorry to say it, but you're stupid for trying. THANKS, GOT IT COVERED. I'll take it from here, bitch.

------

Of course, the letter I'll be leaving will be much nicer, because the cops will probably see it.

See, there's a plan. This time no one has to go down with me. This is between her and me. And there's two ways this could turn out. In the first, there's cops in my kitchen again. In the second, I come home sometime tomorrow morning. Either way, something's gotta happen.

comeund0ne @ 2004-12-23T02:47:00

2004-12-23T07:35:45Z

I'm so bored right now and I can't sleep. 2 days till Christmas.
I'm tired of people talking about the same shit that no one cares about.
I'm tired of asshole boyfriends.
I'm tired of tyrannical parents.
Not having my diploma, not having a car, not being happy, having no reason to not be happy.

Oh by the way. Job's gone. Got kicked out of school. Anthony's history. Guess who I'm fuckin now. The dude that lived two houses down the road. I'm SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE. You can go through my livejournal and know what's gonna happen next.

I went shopping with my mom today. Then this BITCH, let's call her Autumn because that's her name. She calls up begging for a ride from work, and then says she'll call me back to arrange it. She never does call me back. She decides to order a taxi, then go over to my bf's house and hang out with a bunch of people over there and smoke without me.
I call my ex, he doesn't answer. So I went over to David's. My ex. Not supposed to, because the dude I'm going out with now says ex's are off limits because "if I hang out with my ex, I'm gonna end up fucking." But I went there anyways because he didn't call me yesterday, and didn't call me today. I didn't cheat though, because I'm not like that, even though nobody believes it. I smoked over there, then called the bf again (told him the voices in the background were my big brothers) and he again had no reason for not calling me. So I walked home alone, and watched a few movies. Autumn calls me asking to babysit her fucking kid. I want to say fuck off, you vendictive, minipulative whore. But I don't.

So anyways. My prediction: I'll end up breaking up with him and going out with David again.
Not that I want it to happen, but it WILL. My ex is an asshole, but I'm in phase right now. Where I need sex. Sad, isn't it. But it will happen. Believe me. I know.

And now I'm tired of bitching. Good night. Good morning. bleh.

comeund0ne @ 2004-10-30T03:13:00

2004-10-30T07:32:37Z

I wanna tell someone about my day, because everyone else is either an uptight asshole, asleep, or parents.

i went to school today (i was out 2 days because I had some kinda flu) and finished one of my electives. that was cool. My progress report is like A, A, B, B, B.
On the way home some kid was calling me because he wanted me to work for him. I was pissed because he called in the middle of my school hours and resulted in my phone being taken away, so I didn't answer. I checked my schedule when I got home and I made up my mind to not answer at all, because I have to work tomorrow and on HALLOWEEN. I have to work on halloween, 6-11, during the GOOD hours. =( So I just ran over to deek's without answering the phone. we got there and walked jazmine up to the park, then walked back. Autumn was home but she had no weed. We called up one of her boys and he freakin ditched us. We waited for him for 2 and a half hours, and he still doesn't show up. Then as we were getting ready to just forget about it, she calls some other guy who lives two houses down the road. He's got some so we run down there and he freakin hooks autumn up. it was at least a 15.
So that entertained me after they walked me home, up until about 15 minutes ago. I was chillin to Sublime and ANTHONY calls. He's all freaking out, talking a mile a minute. "BABY I love you, I'm sorry, I don't know what I did, why aren't you saying "i love you" back to me? you hate me." I go, "you need to relax. what are you talking about? just calm down." and he goes "whatever, see ya later." and hangs up. I wish he would be permanently mad at me. He was pissed last night (and I was pissed at him) but he still calls back like nothing happened? Leave me the fuck alone, you controlling arrogant twofaced minipulative attention whore. Not to sound bitchy or anything.

but anyways, I'm gonna get to bed. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I have time to color my mom's hair, go shopping, and hang out with Autumn before 5:30pm. Man I want a full time job so bad, with NORMAL hours. 9-5. Enough with this school 12-4, work 6-11 bullshit. First of all, I cannot operate at work after a full day of school. Maybe at a job where the boss wasn't a chicken fuck, but not this place.
I need my diploma.
I want to wake up at 7am, go to work at 9 and sit behind a desk and a monitor all day, and come home at 5:30 to my own house, make dinner, have a couple friends over, chill, and go to bed. Have Sat & Sun to myself. No worrying about what my schedule's gonna be next week, or if this is the last Friday night I get to myself for a month. Millions of people live like this every day and hate it. They never ask for it and never like it. But I want it.

comeund0ne @ 2004-10-28T19:22:00

2004-10-28T23:22:57Z

LMAO.

King of the Hill:
Dale: "It is a paper from TOMMORROW. Now who would have access to a paper from the future?... The paperboy."
Hank: "Dale, that's today's paper."
Dale: "My watch has been set incorrectly. ... how would the paperboy get access to my watch?"

ROFL it's so great. They're all like stoners.
HANK: The rational, clear-headed, yet uptight, stoner.
BILL: The stupid stoner.
DALE: The paranoid stoner.
BOOMHAUR: The quiet, introspective, observative stoner.

Hey and my two dogs are drug addicts. The little one is the crackhead cuz he's always jumpin around and hyper. The big dog is the stoner, cuz she's always laying around the house doing nothing.

I should write in here when I'm actually thinking anything intelligent, lol.

comeund0ne @ 2004-10-14T22:23:00

2004-10-15T02:30:54Z

it hurts not because i've missed out. it hurts because i know i'm probably wrong. it hurts because i want someone who knows i'm wrong too, and accepts it. but like ive said a thousand times, it doesn't exist, it never will. the human desire for bigger and better things is fucking killing me. fuck ambition. fuck daydreams. fuck lies.
it's amazing.
no matter how simple i want it or how low my standards go, it just never works.
fucking amazing.

edit:
fuck lies? never fuck lies. 2 minute epiphony. lies are beautiful. lies work when you don't.
let it begin.
not because i want to. i was forced. life can kick me in the ass, but that doesn't mean i can't pretend it didn't hurt.

comeund0ne @ 2004-10-03T00:35:00

2004-10-03T04:41:53Z

It's pretty sad when your boyfriend, whom you had intentions of marrying, wants a "break" and you don't really care too much.

...It's also pretty sad when you spill Diet Cherry Coke all over yourself and you're like.... wtf. Eh.

comeund0ne @ 2004-10-01T03:23:00

2004-10-01T07:35:51Z

I hate that when I have a boyfriend, it's all I talk about in here.

I'm in the mood for sad music.

I don't get him. I love him.. I mean, I think I love him. But I don't understand him sometimes. We're not on the same wavelength. I say stuff, he misinterprets it, he gets upset, I get upset. He jokes, I think he's serious, I get upset, he gets upset. Maybe we'll start understanding each other. Maybe we'll break up next week or tomorrow, and I'll cry, and move on, and get another boyfriend in a week and it starts all over again. Maybe I'll do this till the day I die. I'm sick of it. I'm almost to the point where I just don't care anymore. ALMOST. But I do care, deep down, with all my heart. I can't help it. I just wanna find "THE PERFECT GUY" like every other mindless drone out there. Maybe if I repeat to myself over and over, I'll never find him, I'll never find him, I'll never find him... maybe then I won't care and I won't need all this shit.

MAYBE, maybe he's faking it every time he cries.
MAYBE, he's thinking of someone else every time he says I love you.
MAYBE, I'll scatch my face off just trying to comprehend what everything's all about.

------

rehearsing all the things i should have said, and want to say. rehearsed words sound fake, unhearsed words aren't there when you need them.

comeund0ne @ 2004-09-26T02:50:00

2004-09-26T06:50:17Z

HERES FOR ALL THOSE UNCONVINCED PEOPLE:

Tony has bipolar. BAD.

Manic depressive rapid-cycling psychotic bipolar disorder, to be presice.

----

On the phone today:

HIM: *laughing*
ME: *laughing*

3 minutes later...

HIM: *hangs up on me*
HIM: *calls me back* Why are you being such a BITCH?
ME: What did I do? Name one thing.
HIM: You're being one right now.

15 seconds later...

HIM: *crying* Why do you make me feel like shit?! I just wanna make you happy and you make me feel like such an asshole!!!

1 minute later...

HIM: *not crying at all* I'm sorry baby I love you, I don't know why I said that, please forgive me.

-----

Friends, it is when confronted with a terrifying situation similar to the above, yet having unfaultered feelings for the person... it is when this happens that you know you're in love. I still wanna marry him.

On a side note, I compulsivley dyed my hair blue-black at midnight tonight. Well I've been thinking about it for a few weeks, and I bought the box a while ago, but I didn't wanna dye it for fear of what my mom, boss, stepdad, best friend, boyfriend etc would think. Then tonight I got sick of waiting so I said fuck it and I went and dyed it in the bathroom sink.
I kind of miss my old red hair. OH also it's short now.. I've decided that if a guy had my hair I have right now, only a tad shorter, I would think he is mad sexy. But somehow this hair doesn't look sexy on a girl, which I just so happen to be.

comeund0ne @ 2004-09-23T00:06:00

2004-09-23T04:15:36Z

THINGS I ONCE HATED WITH A PASSION, BUT NOW LOVE.
(All within a span of 2 years.)

=====================================

- Harry Potter
- Face peircings
- Guys with eyeliner
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Marilyn Manson
- Korn
- Drugs
- Toddlers
- Research
- Atheism
- Coldplay

(to be updated as I think of more stuff.)

---------

Okay anyways. 3 big things happened today. The rest is boring.
1) Got my hair cut. It's now shoulder length and layered and cute. A stylist in the salon where I got it cut was once a man.
2) Got hit on by 30-something year old guy who was sort of hot but not really. He asked me to go boating with him and I said "You might have to ask my boyfriend about that." and he said, "Aww. well he's a lucky man." x-x
3) Anthony asked me to marry him. Crazy I know. Crazy crazy crazy. But guess what my answer was.. and a hint: it wasn't "no."

FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS

2004-09-21T04:54:09Z

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I just cannot get OVER this movie. I was on the floor laughing when I watched it high, and it was nearly just as funny while sober. Most of the funny parts you cannot even write down, it's just the way he acts and the faces he makes, and what he sees when he's tripping out.

*Raoul walking in carnival; several vendors are yelling at him, trying to sell carnival stuff* "NOTHING! I want nothing!!!"

Raoul: "Ignore this terrible drug. Pretend it's not happening.... Yah. *walks up to receptionist at hotel counter* *slams breifcase on counter.* *suddenly yelling* HI THERE!!! uh.. MY NAME... uh.. *looks at parking ticket* ..." ... Raoul's attorney: "This man suffers from a bad heart. *Raoul crouches behind counter, making fangs with his fingers and growling at receptionist* I have plenty of medicine.. *GRRrrrrr*"

Raoul: Double ether. It makes you behave like a villiage drunkard in some early Irish novel. Total loss of all basic motor skills. Blurred vision, no balance, numb tounge. The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it. You approach the turnstyles, and know that when you get there, you have to give the man $2 or he won't let you inside. But when you get there, everything goes wrong. Some angry rotarian shoves you and you think, 'what's happening here?!.. What's going on.' And you hear yourself mumbling. Raoul: "Dogs fucked the pope.. no fault of mine!!!" Ether is the perfect drug for Las Vegas, ("Watch out!... Why money? My name is Brinks; I was born... Born?") In this town they love a drunk. Fresh meat. So they put us through the turnstiles and turned us loose inside.

more...

http://www.fearnloathing.com/movie/quotes.html

script.. it doesn't do the movie justice though. it's all in the visuals. :(

http://www.awesomefilm.com/script/fearandloathing.html

PLEASE, for the love of god, PLEASE see this movie. Next time you're at Blockbuster. even if you don't do drugs, you'll think it's hilarious, I promise.

comeund0ne @ 2004-09-20T00:24:00

2004-09-20T04:34:55Z

NOT G-RATED....

Today was the first day we.. bow-wow-chika-bow-bow. ;D
I wasn't planning it at all. I've been trying not to. But his cousin came by with a blunt. And the thing about weed.. I'm extremely honest with myself and other people when I'm high. Once I called my ex a pussy (when we were going out).. once I told my friend's mom she looked fat in her outfit. I NEVER do anything I don't want to when I'm stoned. I don't clean my room, I don't do math problems, and I don't have sex when I don't want to. But I did. So that must mean I really wanted to and I was ready.
It was good. Painful but good. (What? I haven't had sex in like 5 or 6 months.) He gets a round of applause. We used a condom the first time, we didn't the second time but he didn't get there, and the third time he actually came inside me. I'm half hoping I'm in the fertile part of my cycle, half hoping against it. It's kind of to early..
He kept asking, you sure you want to? Want me to stop? Are you okay? Aww. Whoot, he said it was the best sex/bj he ever got.. I wonder if he tells all the girls that though. Eh.

comeund0ne @ 2004-09-19T02:14:00

2004-09-19T06:12:59Z

I'm in an honest off-the-wall mood. Beware.
Anthony's the new boyfriend, I don't think I've mentioned that yet. He's awesome. He calls me 'baby' all the time, which I'm a sucker for. He has such a cute voice. Like when he says "I love you," it isn't in the fake way. (At least it doesn't sound like it.) It's like "I luuuuhhhvvv yeeeewwww!!!!!" I want to bone him so bad. As my friend DK would say, I want his Big and Veiny in my Small and Dainty. ALL NIGHT LONG, oh yeah. :D But I was in his room alone today and we didn't do anything at all. I wanted to, and he definetly wanted to, but somehow it was avoided. I don't wanna ruin everything. That told me something. Especially when he told me the reason he didn't pressure me: he didn't wanna ruin anything either. I wanna get old with him. I wanna watch him get a beer belly and get hairy. I want him to watch me get fatter and my boobs get saggier. I wanna be with him when he goes through mid-life crisis, I want him to be with me when I go through menopausal depression. I wanna be there when he discovers he needs Viagra, I want him to be there when I fall down the porch and break my hip for the third time. HAH I probably sound like I feel like this for every damn boyfriend that comes along. But never before have I rehearsed conversations between us 40 years in the future:
"Did you take your pills today?" "What pills?" "The ones for your memory, sweetie." "Oh. I don't remember."
"I don't wanna see the grandkids today." "Why not?" "I'm too old for this shit. They want me to play sports with them. Look at me!" "I am, and I like it." "You think I'm sexy eh? *shakes old man hips*" "Not like you used to be, but I can live with it."
"Did you tip that waitress? She was so nice, I'd hate to.." "I tipped her." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." "I know what it feels like to not get tips, so.." "STOP! I tipped the damn waitress alright?" "Don't yell to me!" ".....fine. Sorry." "I'll knock that cane from right under you. Say I won't." "*trips with cane*" "MY HIP!!! IT'S BROKEN" "=O!! I didn't mean too! *cries* OMG Honey I'm so sorry, I didn't think you'd actually fall! IM SORRY!!!" "... just kidding. hehe."

I don't feel like explaining myself, but I want a baby. And he said we can have one when I'm ready =D I keep talking about babies all the time and how I want one, and he's always like, "We can make one, ya know. You want to?" ("In the near future.") "Let me know. I love you" etc etc. I'm gonna wait till Dec. at least. That way I'll know whether or not he'll be a good baby daddy, and make sure I'm at 18 when it comes out so I can move out and make sure there's space. I'm already starting to save money. I've got $200 in the bank and this Wednesday I'll have $400 because I get paid. At this rate, if I only take money out occasionally for clothes & CD's when it's absoluetly necessary, I'll have at least $5,200 in the bank by the time the baby comes. Minus a few hundred for deposit and security on a rented place, and a grand or so for baby preparation -- clothes, bottles, crib, walker, etc -- about $3,000 to start off with for the baby. Don't anybody dare call me a poor unprepared teenager.
I know about all the negative sides. I'll ruin my youth. I have no real education. I'm not being smart about this. FUCK. THAT. Poor Charlotte, this chick at work, is 17 with a 1 1/2 year old and another on the way. She's a fantastic mother. She knows she's young but shit happens. She dealt with it in a mature, responsible way even though she wasn't prepared. And my youth - I couldn't give a shit. What makes youth different from other parts of your life? Partying? Sleeping around? I never was a fan of either. Being carefree --- the only time I like being carefree is when it comes to past obligations not being met. That ties me down and makes me frustrated. But I like having solid responsiblity. "I know I have to do this, which means I can't do that." etc.
I'm planning on getting my diploma before or shortly after the baby comes, then get a specialized degree for veterenarian assistant. Work 1pm-11pm days. If Anthony's still there he can work and help with baby too. If not, oh well, I'll get a babysitter. But I think he'd stick around.

The reason I know I'm ready is this: before I only wanted a boy baby. Didn't want a girl AT ALL. But today I was thinking about it and I realized: even if it's a one-armed girl baby with down's syndrome, I'll love it the same anyway. It would suck, yes, but I won't love it any less.

comeund0ne @ 2004-09-15T03:56:00

2004-09-15T08:05:42Z

NEW FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME = FIGHT CLUB.
I love. I always thought Brad Pitt was ugly, till I saw him with a black eye and a bloody nose. Yummy :D And Ed Norton is hot as always. But that's completely irrelevant of course. The plot itself is what makes the movie rule.
I seem to be having a problem with guys and respect. No, I don't have a problem with you jacking off on the phone. Yes, I proabably do want to fuck you. But can you please assume otherwise? Maybe I come off as slutty. I don't know. Maybe I should just say everything I write in here to people I want to say it to. Be completely honest. I need to start believing Mr. Dreamguy exists so I'll have a better chance of finding him.
I am currently a dropout working 39 hours next week. That's an unexpected turn in my life. Well maybe not unexpected, but definetly (I hate spelling that word) not where I want to be. Plus I've discovered: Even if you love your job, working it non-stop makes you begin to hate it. Another lesson for adulthood.

PS - after listening to Modest Mouse's old cd ("the moon & antartica") for a year, I went out and bought their new cd ("good news for people who love bad news") and it rocks. Highly recommended. And I also spend 20 freakin dollars on the Fight Club dvd.. well worth it though.

comeund0ne @ 2004-08-31T14:23:00

2004-08-31T18:25:42Z

I slept for 16 hours, and at the end of this day I'll have been awake for 27. WEIRD. ASS. SLEEP SCHEDULE.
I'm doing pixie shots before work. Moutain dew + 1 pixie stick + shot glass = awakeness. Or so I hear. Hey, it's non alcoholic, what the hell.

comeund0ne @ 2004-08-30T01:42:00

2004-08-30T06:00:01Z

This is an entry I wrote but didn't post because LJ was down. I wrote it 8/25

----

I can't. I literally can't bring myself to do it. But I have to.
Dramatic comparison, nonetheless semi-accurate: You're walking in a deserted area. A boulder falls on your leg. Your trapped. No one around to help. You can lay there for days and hope for someone to come by and rescue you, with the very great possibility of slowly starving to death. Or you can cut your own leg off with your handy pocketknife. You lose a leg, but you live. Is it worth it? You can't walk normally, you'll be socially shunned. Not to mention you'll just plain miss your leg. Plus all the pain you have to go through, watching yourself saw it off.
I, for one, am the lay-there-and-starve type.
It's not the smart thing to do. In the long-run, the cut-it-off people will be thankful they gathered the courage and saved themselves.

The whole point of this?
I have to quit school. From the very bottom of my heart and soul, it's the last thing I want to do. I'm not ready. It's immature and selfish.. but I AM immature. And I have a right to be selfish when it's concerning my own life.. don't I?
But I'm supposed to be a senior this year.. I still have 2 years to graduate because all of the school I missed and classes I failed.
Just thinking of what I'll be missing brings me to tears. Prom. Homecoming. Friends. Graduation. When I actually go to school and look around I feel like there's not a lot there. But when you've been there so long, and developed friendships with people you couldn't imagine living without.. it's like leaving would be throwing away a part of yourself.
It's the tiny things. Little things that happen everyday that mean nothing till their gone.
Playing with animal crackers at lunch. Passing notes and getting caught. The guy in your 2nd period you were never brave enough to speak to. Not worrying about what comes next. Knowing you can go out on Saturday night with everyone you know and it's just a normal occurence, not something you plan or easily forget. Acting childish with no concequence. No bills to pay. Life doesn't hit you so hard. You don't wake up and think of everything you need to accomplish or what will happen if you don't.
GOD DAMN IT. I just don't wanna be alone anymore. School is the closest thing I have to not being alone. I spent most of my life sheltered in my house without a friend to speak of. I can't do it anymore.
When I feel immensely lonely, like I do now, it's the only time I truly hate my life.
Someone asked me if I was afraid to die a few days ago. I thought about it. I was about to say no, because the actual thought of death itself is more of a relief than anything. But thinking of everything I didn't do during life.. that's what gets me. I ended up answering as honestly as I could. "I'm not. As long as I'm not alone."

-------

Also, I discovered/learned several things at work today.

1) I actually like criticism.
2) When you give a refund, take the ice cream back FIRST, *then* give them their money. Or they may walk away with both. Then lie about it.
3) Use any scooper-holding technique you can come up with to scoop the ice cream in the center, *then* smack it repeatedly till it forms an egg shape.
4) When you hear a customer mumble something after they tell you what they want, don't be afraid to ask what they said. It could have been something like "No pineapple," in which case you would have to remake the entire banana split.
5) Customers first, THEN clean up the mess you made.
6) Pretend you're stupid around your boss, but don't actually do anything wrong. This will make sure they still have their sense of superiority so they don't try to make you feel like shit in order to make themselves feel more powerful.
7) Black people like butter pecan ice cream in waffle cones. And anything peanut buttery.
8) Mexican people like strawberry ice cream.
9) Rednecks like REALLY thick shakes and are willing to shell out the extra $5 to have it made from hard ice cream.
10) There's this one guy with an ugly girlfriend walking around DeLand who looks exactly like Michael Bolton from Office Space.
11) Biker ladies who are on their periods are especially distraught when there's no Rocky Road for them to eat.
12) Guys with thick German(/Russian?) accents seem hot even when they're butt ugly. And when they say "black cherry," you can't hear anything but "bagckgckkkk shurry."
13) Really hot chicks sometimes drag their boyfriends all the way over to an ice cream parlor, just to stand there, frown, and say they don't want anything. Then when their boyfriends order something, they ask for two spoons so they can eat theirs.
14) When super hot dudes pull through drive through and they catch your eye, it's kind of obvious when you stop walking, stare at them, and grin ridiculously.
15) Ask if they want a lid on their sundae. If so, put a LOT less whipped cream.
16) Making other people wait for you to mop a floor makes you feel strangely cooler than them.

... that's a lot of stuff.

comeund0ne @ 2004-08-10T15:58:00

2004-08-10T20:20:07Z

i don't get people.
i feel like i'm a different species or something.
i was riding the bus home from school today when i realized.. everyone is the SAME. every girl wears the same thing, every girl talks in that nasaly high-pitched voice, and they're all talking about the same thing. "my boyfriend" this, "my friend did" that. even the quiet ones in the corner wearing black clothes. once you get them talking, it's all BULLSHIT. meaningless words: the weather, their teachers, "OMG did you hear?!?!"
don't even get me started on the boys. every. guy. is. the. same. i will swear my life on it. (i've sworn my life against it before, and i was proven wrong.) no matter what comes out of their mouth, they just want a chick they can fuck and show off and talk to about more meaningless shit. "this band broke up," "my truck is broken," "my friend got so wasted last night." WHO THE FUCK CARES? why can't anyone talk about stuff that matters? is everyone really that shallow and depthless? and i've learned that whoever says the words "i'm not like other guys," is LYING. flat out, no exceptions. no matter how they phrase it, even if they add "i know you've heard that before..". NO SHIT you've heard it before. there's a reason you've heard it before.
most of all i hate myself for being foolish to believe that there's actually a guy out there that gives a fuck about deep conversations and unconditional loyalty. someone who would rather sit in a comfortable silence than babble about who did what last weekend.
ever seen pulp fiction? that movie is awesome...

"Do you really listen, or do you just wait to talk?"
"...I have to admit, I wait to talk, but I try hard to listen."
SO true. he answered that in an honest, open, deep-thinking way. none of that "i really do listen, especially to people that are important to me because i like hearing what they have to say."

Don't you hate that?
What?
Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
I don't know. That's a good question.
That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.
i bet anything that none of those pointless shits on the bus have ever even tried that. being able to talk nonstop for hours is not a skill, it's not attractive, it's not enjoyable, and it does not make you cool. and it doesn't mean love.

comeund0ne @ 2004-08-07T13:53:00

2004-08-07T17:55:36Z

i got a job. ice cream place. yay. start tomorrow night.
i'm so tired. seeing-spots-out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye-tired. i stayed up all last night. then i had an interview this morning. then i went to wallmart for like 3 hours.
i'm gonna fall off my chair.
i have more important things to say but.. i'll write when i'm alive.
*ZOMBIE*

comeund0ne @ 2004-08-04T04:53:00

2004-08-04T09:10:36Z

the friday five on wendsday! fuckyeah.

1) Of everything in your wardrobe what do you feel the most comfortable wearing? Why?
my plain jeans and my good luck shirt, because i know they look semi-decent on me, and they're comfy.

2) How would you describe your style?
i WOULDNT describe my style.

3) How many pairs of shoes do you own and do you wear them all?
i have about 7 or 8 pairs of shoes, and i usually only wear my $7 kmart shoes with the writing all over them. i just got some brand new running shoes, but i'll probably never wear them because i don't run. xD

4) Where do you buy most of your clothes?
when I buy them, hot topic. when my mom is paying for them on the other hand, kmart or walmart.

5) What was the last piece of clothing you bought?
a black mesh hoodie

----

anyways.
i had my rabbit's cage in my room when i first bought him, moved it out in the backyard shortly after we moved. then i went and took it back in a week ago because i felt SO bad he had to be out in the rain, and bugs were biting his ears and leaving scabs. but my mom made me move it back because "the smell was getting in the air filters."
but i went out there today to check on him and omg. he was damp from the rain, his fur was all matty, he had gnats in his food dish, and he had the ear scabs again. :'( i couldn't help it. i took him, his litter box, and his water bottle and moved them in my room, and filled a little dish with cereal and rabbit food. then i brushed him and clipped his teeth and gave him a banana.
point of the story: i am still awake at 5:04am, est. because my rabbit has taken the liberty to PISS ON MY BED. after all the shit i did for him today, he decides he wants to unload his bladder on my blankets, leaving a giant, wet, smelly spot roughly the size of a beach ball. and being it so late, i can't change the sheets because i would make noise and piss of the parents. plus he's been trying to fuck my cat ALL NIGHT LONG. give up. she is not having it. when she growls, hisses, bats at you, and rolls over on her side to kick you with all four legs, it means she doesn't like you. V_V
im soooo tireeddddddd.

comeund0ne @ 2004-08-03T02:29:00

2004-08-03T06:32:05Z

i always take every quiz twice. the first time i got "too sweet for my own good." combine the two, and you get... i dunno. me, i guess.

comeund0ne @ 2004-08-03T02:04:00

2004-08-03T06:05:40Z

i saw butterfly effect (drastically late, i know).
all i can say, is that i love movies that leave you in a daze. an actual, senses-warped, perception-altered, daze. that leaves you at loss for all words except "wow," which is all you can mutter as the credits roll and your mind is boggling with the complex and fascinating plot. a movie that changes, even if only temporarily, the whole way you think about everything. makes you postitive that 10 years from now, you'll be doing something trivial that faintly reminds you of a movie you saw a decade ago, and you'll go out and see it again and once more be left in a daze that may just last another 10 years.
wow.